Hutz’s 2017 Offseason Report Card, Vol. 1: Raph

“With other owners still attempting to wrap their heads around 2016’s groundbreaking ‘Kershaw and Closers’ strategy, Proudhon quickly dismantled the team that lead him to the title…”

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As the days get longer and flowers begin to bloom, the MLB’s best awake from winter’s quiet slumber and head to spring training facilities across Arizona and Florida with one goal in mind: an RFK baseball title.  The RFK offseason, however, was anything but quiet.  With less than one month remaining before draft day, the legal experts here at Lionel Hutz Attorney and Expert Shoe Repair take a look back at the offseason that was and preview the season to come.

Pierre J. Proudhon

2016 Finish: 1st

Key Offseason Moves:

  • Traded Corey Kluber to American Carnage for $5
  • Traded Jake Arrieta to the 1986 Royals for a Keeper Slot
  • Traded Gary Sanchez to the Whitey Whackers for Yasmany Tomas and Javier Baez
  • Traded Carlos Martinez and $5 to Franderlin Hebero for a Keeper Slot
  • Traded Chris Davis and Todd Frazier to Shoeless 13 for a Keeper Slot
  • Traded a Keeper Slot to the Whitey Whackers for $6
  • Traded $6 to Glower Power ! for Dexter Fowler and a Keeper Slot

Projected Keepers*:
Ian Desmond – $19
Brian Dozier – $15
Dee Gordon – $13
Dexter Fowler – $7
Javier Baez – $5
Yasmany Tomas – $4
*locked keepers in red

Projected Auction Budget: $177

Analysis:

The only thing distinguishing this team from its 19th century namesake is Pierre J Proudhon’s freshly shaven face.  Once again attempting to incite chaos, Proudhon has reinvented himself.  With other owners still attempting to wrap their heads around 2016’s groundbreaking “Kershaw and Closers” strategy, Proudhon quickly dismantled the team that led him to the title, going so far as to offer consensus #1 pitcher Clayton Kershaw to owners for $1.  Casting off the shackles of such proven (and below market) aces as Corey Kluber and Jake Arrieta, Proudhon is once again one step ahead of the competition.  The question remains, however, are 2017’s moves a step in a championship direction.  “Coming off of a championship, Proudhon had earned the benefit of the doubt,” said Cubs President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein.  “But using keeper slots on a player without a guaranteed starting job [Baez], an outfielder who has never driven in 55 runs or stolen 30 bases [Fowler] and a player with a career WAR of -1.8 [Tomas] is not how I’d build a team.”  As much as it may pain us to disagree with our fellow Israelite, we here at Lionel Hutz Attorney and Expert Shoe Repair have no choice.  As H.G. Wells said “adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature’s inexorable imperative.”  With six bats locked up under their market prices, $177 auction dollars to spend, and 2016 MVP Brian Dozier returning, Proudhon may have work left to do, but he has the foundation in place to mount a strong title defense in 2017.

Offseason grade: B

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