Hutz’s 2017 Offseason Report Card, Vol. 3: Page

“Haze is a drunken push-up champion, but is he RFK champion material? I’m just not sure.”


As the days get longer and flowers begin to bloom, the MLB’s best awake from winter’s quiet slumber and head to spring training facilities across Arizona and Florida with one goal in mind: an RFK baseball title.  The RFK offseason, however, was anything but quiet.  With less than one month remaining before draft day, the legal experts here at Lionel Hutz Attorney and Expert Shoe Repair take a look back at the offseason that was and preview the season to come.

Rutherford B. Haze

2016 Finish: 3rd

Key Offseason Moves:

  • Traded Anthony Rizzo to Game… Blouses for Kyle Hendricks, $1 and one Keeper Slot
  • Traded $1 to Glower Power ! for Mark Melancon

Projected Keepers*:

Joey Votto – $24
Daniel Murphy – $13
Mark Melancon – $13
Edwin Diaz – $12
Kyle Hendricks -$1

*locked keepers in red

Projected Auction Budget: $177


Much like our 19th president, Rutherford B. Haze has spent this off season attempting to implement a meritocratic system for assembling his team.  And, similar to Hayes’ wide sweeping civil service reforms, Haze’s results have been mixed.  Plagued by indecision, Haze waited nearly three weeks until after the close of the winter meetings to make his first move.  “He still tells me stories about what his team could have looked like if he hadn’t traded away young talents like Arenado, Noah, Lindor, Springer, and Myers,” said one owner who spoke on the condition of anonymity, fearing that insulting Haze may cause even further delays in future trade negotiations.  “Haze is a drunken push-up champion, but is he RFK champion material?  I’m just not sure.”  While Haze always seems to be near the money, his lack of a championship pedigree creates self-doubt and leads to uncertain team-building.  “It starts at the top,” said Pittsburgh Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington.  “One week he claims Daniel Murphy is one of the best keepers in the league, the next week he offers to trade him for an oft-injured starter who isn’t even top five at his position.  You can’t win like that.”  If Haze can avoid regression from 2016 breakouts Daniel Murphy and Kyle Hendricks, he may be able to prove his critics wrong.  But for now, without a clear cut strategy, it will be an uphill battle.

Offseason grade: C-

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