Hutz’s Offseason Report Card, Vol. 5: Billy

Holy Rollers

2016 Finish: 5th

Key Offseason Moves:

  • Traded Justin Verlander to Soler Powered CoCain for $5
  • Traded Dexter Fowler and a Keeper Slot to Pierre J. Proudhon for $6
  • Traded Charlie Blackmon and a Keeper Slot to Franderlin Hebero for $18
  • Traded Mark Melancon to Rutherford B. Haze for $1
  • Traded Nelson Cruz to American Carnage for $1

Projected Keepers:

*Projects selling last keeper slot for $8

Projected Auction Budget: $279

The Holy Rollers’ offseason strategy can best be described by Tobias Fünke:

Everything that wasn’t bolted down was shipped out this winter, leaving many owners with the same question: what are the Holy Rollers doing? “He wasn’t just trimming fat this offseason,” said ESPN Senior Writer Keith Law. “An ace, a top 10 outfielder and a 2nd round talent, all below market price, all gone with nothing but cash to show for it. That’s a lot of talent to lose and still put together a contending team.” But for the Holy Rollers, it seems cash is king. Coming into the auction with $271 would shatter the previous record for auction dollars available, but what exactly will they spend it on? “By my count, only 4 of the top 25 hitters will even make it to the auction,” said Holy Rollers Senior Advisor and relationship pants wearer B.J. Surhoff. “He can buy himself the best starters and bullpen money can buy, but at a certain point he’s gonna need to score runs too. I just don’t see it. We all know women are attracted to champions. This may be the last chance I give him before I start asking around for Pierre J. Proudhon’s number.” With the clock ticking, the Holy Rollers have their work cut out for them at the auction, and will need to spend aggressively to avoid leaving a Page-like $20 on the table. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “a penny saved is a penny earned.” The Holy Rollers have accomplished the saving; now it’s time to see if they can earn that elusive championship.

Offseason grade: C


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